Blackout day


I'm taking tomorrow off. If you know me well, you know why.

If you don’t, well, here’s a little bit about it.

It’s the three year anniversary of my Big Loss. Anniversaries are really hard. Grief is really hard.

On the first anniversary, I surrounded myself with people, thinking I’d want to be around others who felt the loss, too. I was wrong. I felt more alone than before because we were all experiencing it differently and the gathering seemed to make me feel worse because this person wasn't there.

Last year, I retreated into nature with my dog and spent most of the day enjoying the fresh air. I still answered phone calls and emails and messages from loved ones. It drained me.

People who know grief know that it never really goes away. It changes and shifts and softens but it’s with you every day. I find that there are still good and bad days, even three years on. Anniversaries aren’t always the worst days but they’re never the best ones. For me, anyway.

Recently, I was reading one of my great-grandmother’s journals. In it, she marked the 12 year anniversary of her husband’s passing by writing, “didn’t get much done”.

I like the sound of that.

So, this year, I’m planning to not get much done. I’m turning off my phone and leaving it that way. That includes this art journey. We all need a day off now and then. I know I won’t be at my best, anyway.

If you need me, I’ll be back to the land of the living on Saturday, October 3.